The Jegger Report: March 2012

First off let me say I love the Canucks. They are my team and I always hope they win. But what good are friends if you can’t abuse them? Everyone loves a good roast. I’m going to make assumptions about all of the players one by one

here goes in order of the roster that appears on the website…none of these images are mine, they are from google searches and canucks.com

#7 David Booth 6’0” 212lbs Age 27 from Detroit, MI, USA (right offa 8mile)

What you get when you combine: Jeff Spicoli from fast times at ridgemont high, and Fabio (pre old spice)

Favorite Activity: taking self-portraits with iPhone that accent perfect jawline or wavy golden locks, then editing them to make them look hipster or vintage. Also into skating, surfing and dabbling in harmless recreational drugs.

Growing Up He: Drove a T-Top Camaro and picked on fat kids.

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Rachel McAdams in her role in “Mean Girls”

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 7.9

#14 Alexandre Burrows 6’1” 188lbs Age 30 from Pincourt, QC, Canada

What you get when you combine: Tom Hanks in Philadelphia, a box of cheap French wine, and the animated character ‘Bobby’ from Howie Mandel’s “Bobby’s World”

Favorite Activity: Studying Dentistry and Orthodontics, Yoga, Sending anonymous letters to nhler’s wives swearing they are being unfaithful.

Growing Up He: didn’t eat his vegetables, beat up girls on the playground, got away with it.

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Tonya Harding

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 9.3

#25 Andrew Ebbett 5’9” 174lbs age 29 from Calgary, AB, Canada

What you get when you combine: Charles Grodin, and Alan Alda

Favorite Activity: Cowtipping, writing country music lyrics, mime

Growing Up He: smoked cigarettes, drank coca cola, was an alter boy

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Mo’nique

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 5.9

#36 Jannik Hansen 6’1” 195lbs age 26 from Herlev, Denmark

What you get when you combine: Franklin the turtle, Adolf Hitler, and all of the Dudesons

Favorite Activity: building dollhouses of replica buildings, ice fishing, Baritone choir-member in the Danish all Aryan choir

Growing Up He: dressed like a schoolboy, hunted game with homemade tools, idolized Mel Gibson from overseas

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Kate Winslet (with her boobs somewhere in between Titanic and The Reader stage)

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10):8.1

#20 Chris Higgins 6’0” 205lbs age 28 from Smithtown, NY, USA

What you get when you combine: Brad Pitt and Milhouse

Favorite Activity: Breeding dogs, Breeding chickens, rubbing shoulders with NFL quarterbacks, Dogfighting, Cockfighting

Growing Up He: Joined the Young Republican Party, Sold Avon products to raise money for the initial George W. Bush campaign

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Sarah Palin or one of her daughters, or Tina Fey dressed like Sarah Palin

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10):8.9

#9 Zack Kassian 6’3” 214lbs age 21 from Windsor, ONT, Canada

What you get when you combine: Mongo from Blazing Saddles, and the kid from the movie ‘UP’

Favorite Activity: Anything violent, eating raw meat from the carcass

Growing Up He: Got traded from Buffalo to the Vancouver Canucks

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Brigitte Neilsen

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 7.2

#17 Ryan Kesler 6’2” 202lbs age 27 from Livonia, MI, USA

What you get when you combine: That guy who was on the cover of ESPN magazine last October, and that guy who does all the tacky car dealership ads in EVERY BC newspaper

Favorite Activity: Modeling, Nudism, Keys Parties, Trolling Cameras

Growing Up He: mouthed off teachers, parents, peers and anyone he could; when confrontation was peaking he would remove all of his clothing, rendering his opponents argument invalid.

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Sasha Grey

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 8.4 inches

#40 Maxim Lapierre 6’2” 207lbs age 26 from Saint-Leonard, QC, Canada

What you get when you combine: Speedy Gonzales, Mighty Mouse, Mickey Mouse, PePe Le Pew, and Satan

Favorite Activity: Cheese Rolling, Stand-up Comedy, re-enacting Napoleonic war battles

Growing Up He: Sailed the Hudson Bay in hopes of discovering new lands which he could claim for his kingdom of Quebec and be knighted by his then king Lucien Bouchard

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Modern day Madonna (with her ropey arms that look like she keeps them in a food-dehydrator)

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 7.5

#27 Manny Malhotra 6’2” 220lbs age31 from Missisauga, ONT, Canada

What you get when you combine: Robocop and Ghandi

Favorite Activity: Fighting Crime, Rockem Sockem Robots, Bird Watching

Growing Up He: Led the oppressed peoples of Missisauga on a peaceful march to the great lakes to collect salt to protest the tyrannical provincial government of Ontario’s tax hike on basic necessities.

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: One of the leftover Kardashians

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 9

#26 Samuel Pahlsson 6’0” 202lbs age34 from Ange, Sweden

What you get when you combine: Liam Neeson and Ellen Degeneres

Favorite Activity: Stamp Collecting, Body Painting, Organizing Flash Mobs

Growing Up He: Was able to start an extra-curricular dance team at his Swedish primary school by excellently producing, choreographing and performing in an interpretive dance to the Rick Astley smash hit “Never Gonna Give You Up”

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Anne Heche or Porche DeRossi

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 7.3

#21 Mason Raymond 6’0” 185lbs age26 from Cochrane, AB, Canada

What you get when you combine: Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta if they had conceived on the set of Grease

Favorite Activity: Figure Skating, speed-skating, rollerblading, fashion design

Growing Up He: Was forced into child modelling and acting by his mother who insisted ‘he is just adorable’. Made headshots and spent endless amounts of money and hours of forced auditioning but one day made it in a Wal-Mart catalogue wearing a T-shirt that read “Cowabunga!”

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 8.2

#22 Daniel Sedin 6’1” 187lbs age31 from Ornskoldsvik, Sweden

What you get when you combine: Ron Howard, Dolf Lundgren, and Henrik Sedin

Favorite Activity: Being really good at hockey, Donating a Million Dollars to sick kids, dipsying and doodling

Growing Up He: Robbed from the rich and gave to the poor by setting up clever, almost intuitive heists with his twin brother. The dipsys and the doodles always seemed to fool the victims. The Sedin Brothers were compared to the Jesse James Gang of Sweden and are thought to be the first Swedes to demonstrate the Kansas City Shuffle on Swedish Soil (you look one way, they go the other)

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Mary-Kate Olsen

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 9.9

#33 Henrik Sedin 6’1” 187lbs age31 from Ornskoldsvik, Sweden

What you get when you combine: Ron Howard, Dolf Lundgren, and Daniel Sedin

Favorite Activity: Being really good at hockey, Donating a Million Dollars to sick kids, dipsying and doodling

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Ashley Olsen

Ashley Olsen medium length hairstyle. Medium length layers were cut into the

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 9.9

#54 Aaron Volpatti 6’0” 215lbs age26 from Revelstoke, BC, Canada

What you get when you combine: Edward From Twilight, and Topher Grace

Favorite Activity: Basejumping of the Revelstoke Dam, picking fights with passersby, making his friends call him ‘SeaBass’ at his local Revelstoke diners

Growing Up He: volunteered at Revelstoke tire shop to stack and unload tires. He would use the tires and punching bags, obstacle courses, and mount and balance them safely. ‘because at Revelstoke Excel Tire: We Care, now go on in there, ask for Uncle Deano and tellem Aaron Volpatti sent ya!’

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Pamela Anderson (pre-hep)

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 8.3

#32 Dale Weise 6’2” 210lbs age23 from Winnipeg, MB, Canada

What you get when you combine: Sloth from the Goonies, and every one of the ‘Angry Birds’

Favorite Activity: Building medieval replica catapults and launching rocks and his neighbours livestock, knitting, and loving Chunk

Growing Up He: Would set up a stand on the side of hwy 1 in Winnipeg, where he would sell his homemade concoction of mosquito repellent, he later made a small fortune by selling his products rights to Fox, it appeared in the TV show ‘King of the Hill’ as ‘Dale’s Dead Bug’

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Sara Jessica Parker

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 7.3

#41 Andrew Alberts 6’5” 218lbs age30 from Minneapolis, MN, USA

What you get when you combine: TJ deitwiler, Colin Ferrell, Captain Planet

Favorite Activity: Beach volleyball, trying to blend in in Chinatown

Growing Up He: Got a role in his high school play titled “How Roads are Fixed: The Musical”, he played the pylon

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Roseanne Barr

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 6.9

#4 Keith Ballard 5’11” 208lbs age29 From Baudette, MN, USA

What you get when you combine: Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Fred Flinstone

Favorite Activity: Writing Hallmark card slogan ideas, herb gardening, hula dancing, judo

Growing Up He: Loved to play leapfrog, however his severe ADD made him move around or get up too much while playing, which was the basis to him learning an unreal hip check. He was that little kid who would play with his wiener when he got nervous.

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Lindsay Lohan

Overall Awesome Canucks Rating (out of10): 8

#3 Kevin Bieksa 6’1” 198lbs age30 from Grimsby, ON, Canada

What you get when you combine: The Geico Caveman, The Incredible Hulk, and Capt. Scotty from CFOX

Favorite Activity: Fighting, Breaking, Smashing, Destroying, Dominating, Sulking

Growing Up He: Would throw violent tantrums in front of anyone who prevented him from getting his way, after all the personal injury and the property damage, his parents made sure he always got his way

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Rihanna

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 9.3

#23 Alexander Edler 6’3” 215lbs age25 from Ostersund, Sweden

What you get when you combine: Chuck Norris, Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy

Favorite Activity: Sheep herding, roller skating, tweeking out to emo dubstep

Growing Up He: Worked as a safety cadet in Ostersund, specializing in polar bear control. He would roam the streets at night to make sure polar bears weren’t committing petty theft or stealing picinic baskets.

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Bjork

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 8.4

#2 Dan Hamhuis 6’1” 209lbs age29 from Smithers, BC, Canada

What you get when you combine: Tom Cruise and the evil unibrow baby from The Simpsons

Favorite Activity: Showing up to karaoke nights as an Elvis impersonator, meddling with Mike Fisher’s life in Nashville

Growing Up He: Ran for mayor of Smithers at age 13, only losing out by 6 votes to a gallon bag of milk

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Carrie Underwood

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 9.4

#29 Aaron Rome 6’1” 218lbs age28 from Nesbitt, MB, Canada

What you get when you combine: Joe Rogan and Randy Marsh from South Park

Favorite Activity: watching Fear Factor, dressing in drag and picking fights with homophobes

Growing Up He: Dabbled in the adult film industry, had a breakout success with his debut and only production “When in Rome”

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Both of the Chicks from Heart (at the same time)

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 7.8

#6 Sami Salo 6’3” 212lbs age37 from Turku, Finland

What you get when you combine: Charles Branson and Patrick Stewart

Favorite Activity: Playing indoor soccer wearing a full set of safety equipment just in case, throwing dice in the alley, bridge with the gals on Sundays

Growing Up He: Lost most of his hair

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Betty White

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 8.3

#8 Chris Tanev 6’2” 185lbs age22 from Toronto, ONT, Canada

What you get when you combine: Jake Gyllenhal and the Chipmunks

Favorite Activity: Private investigation, GI Joes, Brewing homemade potato vodka

Growing Up He: Was planted here at birth from the USSR as part of an integrated sleeper cell program to monitor the USA’s influence in southern Canada. One day while spreading communism on the schoolyard playground, he was introduced to hockey which seemed to erase all of his subliminal biases towards the expansion of the motherland.

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Anna Kornikova

Overall Awesome Canuck Rating (out of10): 6.4

#1 Roberto Luongo 6’3” 217lbs age32 from Montreal, QC, Canada

What you get when you combine: AC Slater and Arthur the Anteater

Favorite Activity: Playing fetch with his dog (something satisfying about throwing your stick away and having someone bring it back), astronomy, breakdancing

Growing Up He: Won a coloring contest put on by the local department store, winning the grand prize, which was a lifetime supply of Palm-aid. When interviewed by the local newspaper he remarked “ ahhhh well I think ahhhh all of the other coloring entries were ahhhhhh good but I’m a competitor and I’m going to get ahhhhhhh better” (his coloring has gone downhill ever since)

Perfect Celebrity Matchmaker: Lisa Lampanelli