Bikini season is just around the corner, and if you aren’t spending
all of your spare time and focusing your already out of control emotions on
shedding weight fast, then wake up!
The magazines, the tabloids, the online articles are basically
spoon feeding you simple, sure-fire ways to get that flat tummy you’ve been
waiting for- fast! But if you think a flat tummy is all you have to worry
about, then you must be some sort of self-righteous bra burner because that is
the least of your issues.
Please also make sure to focus some of your time, worry and
intellect into fixing and correcting for me and my fellow man’s viewing
pleasure your:
Saddle-Bags, saggy upper arm fat, cottage cheese thighs,
F.U.P.A aka gunt, flat chest, asymmetrical chest, butt-beard, bacne, chestne,
cankles, pit-cheese, sideburns, ashy elbows, hairy knuckles, beef knuckles,
uncle’s knuckles, yield sign butt, bald
spots, loaf latch, razor bumps, panty dandruff, leakage, treasure trail,
pancake nips, summer teeth (summer here, summer there), feet of any kind,
corns, orangutan boobs, albino skin, junky skin, pasty skin, patchy skin, flat
bum, mom butt, pretruded knees, plaque traps, camel toe, hunchback,
knee-knockers, self-sustaining moles, missile-tits, phantom dangle, muffin top,
tampon cameos, clubfoot, movember in progress, extra nipples and much much
more.
if you didn’t recognize any of these issues on your own
body, then congratulations! you’ve done it!
More than likely you’ve self-identified with more than a few
of these terms and right now as you read this are feeling like someone so full
of carbs that if you were to stick yourself in an oven you’d come out as a French
loaf.
Well good! Let it be motivation for you, good things come to
those who subject themselves to a lifetime of self-scrutiny and deprivation.
“Well, Steve, what about your beer belly and manboobs?” good
question, and I’m glad you asked it. The answer is I’m an indifferent, yet
confident man. I know all I have to do is remain confident and sexy when I take a
girl out for dinner and eat so much that I have to lie on the restaurant floor.Scrutiny be damned! I already know I’m one of the toughest guys in my scrapbooking class. And anyone who disagrees with me and still thinks I am a loser has obviously never seen me kick my underwear up in the air and catch it. Plus, I know how to get the ball rolling with the ladies. I know that the first question you always ask a girl on a first date is her weight, then you basically can zone out and watch the sports on the restaurant TV till it’s time to go home and seal the deal.
But seriously, double standards exist heavily in our
society, It is pretty unfair how when a girl has a simple ponytail out in public
she “didn’t do her hair today” but if I guy has one, he’s considered this
big-time mega stud.
Modern society has pretty messed up views on women’s bodies.
In the 60s, Marilyn Monroe (who was not super skinny) was considered “beautiful”,
but nowadays she’d be seen as “dead for over 40 years”.
I hope you all find the sarcasm in this article. It’s all
for jokes and to point out how shitty it must be being a girl who buys into
this sort of society. It bugs me that more importance seems to be on how a girl
looks than to how smart, or useful she is – and that’s from a woman’s point of
view! If you don’t think nature is frightening, try watching two women swap
genuine compliments.
Sad but true. Again, please note, this is a satire totally for jokes,
please take no offence or think I’m being sexist, its actually the opposite.
3 things I look for in a woman. Good hygeine, decently smart
mind, and me. Keep your nudes, just message using proper grammar. You know what
daddy likes.
Hope you LOL’d, share as you see fit, all the buttons should be below.
Till next time
-Jegger
No comments:
Post a Comment