Guest Contribution #4 comes from the very talented and funny writer, Michelle Cyprus. I got a real kick out of this and I hope you do too. Like, Share, Stumble, Tweet, Fark, Reddit, Email, SnailMail, whatever - just share this with the cat lady wannabe in your life and I'm sure they'll find it helpful.
As always feel free to submit your posts to share on here.
But for now, enjoy this informative, hilarious read.
-jegger
How to Become a Crazy Cat Lady in 5 Simple Steps
by Michelle Cyprus, accomplished crazy cat lady and
occasional motivational writer
People ask me how I did it. They see my radical transformation
and they wonder, “Could that one day be me?” They would be so lucky. But still,
they stare, they whisper, they side-eye, and they’re all wondering the secret
to my success. I feel that thought weighing heavily on their minds everywhere I
go. I sense their deep desire to know the truth, and now, for the first time
ever, I am going to reveal the secrets to becoming who you’ve always wanted to
be: me.
If you think I’m talking about weight loss, think again.
Besides, everyone knows the secret to that: frequent violent and exotic viral
intestinal infections and/or a tapeworm injection. Duh. No, today we are going
to learn how to become one of the world’s most sought-after types of people:
the crazy cat lady.
Now hold up. Don’t be fooled by the “lady” in crazy cat
lady. Are you a man reading this? Read on! You can be a crazy cat man. Don’t
let anyone tell you otherwise! You go, guy!
Now onto the nitty gritty, or as people of my kind like to
say, “litter shitter”. Let’s get down to business. Face deep in business.
The first thing you’re going to want to do is immediately
abandon all hope. That’s it. That’s step one. It’s pretty easy. Just take a
good look at the world around you, the circumstances that brought you here to
this point in your life and just give the fuck up. It’s so easy, people do it
all the time. Just look at George Bush. He was a president, and now he sits in his basement painting pictures of world leaders who did a way better job than he did.
That’s really not an ideal career trajectory. That’s giving up, friends.
The next thing you need to do is purchase some sick new
threads. Before you do this, keep in mind the colour of cat(s) you are planning
to acquire. Black, white, beige, orange, brown, blue, grey? This is important,
people. If you don’t know the colour of the cat and/or cats you are going to
get, then don’t worry because regardless of your clothing choices, you will be
fucked over by stray fur flying through the air at an astounding pace and
sticking to your clothes anyway. Got a black cat and wearing black pants? No
problem, let’s aim for that white top. Got a white cat and wearing an all-white
nylon jumpsuit, full-zipped? Now that, my friends, is how a champion prepares
for the game (and also prepares for making a great impression on a first date).
The game of cat fur is never over. Ever.
We’re almost halfway there. You should be feeling at least a
little more insane than a few minutes ago by this point. I like to think that I
had something to do with that.
Step three is super-critical to do properly otherwise you
might just end up a regular person who has a cat as a pet and not a certifiable
crazy cat lady/ladyboy. This is the part where you actually physically acquire
a cat. What you want to avoid in this step is any sense of normalcy or logic.
You might think, “Well, Michelle, I’m going to head down to my local non-profit
animal shelter and give a poor lil’ fella a good home and save him from
execution.” That’s a great thought. You should do that. If you want to be
normal and well-adjusted and create a positive impact in not only the life of a
deserving animal, but on our world as a whole.
But a crazy cat lady knows no fear. Organizations don’t know
the boundaries of your love. This is where shit gets serious. You need to trap
and tame a feral cat. Bonus nutso points for more than one. So what if Mr.
Fuzzypants III was enjoying a fantastic life wild and free in the great
outdoors, chowing down on fat sewer mice every night like the king of the world
he was? Doesn’t he know that you loooove him? As with a male subject of any
species, persistent pestering by a female admirer combined with chronic
overfeeding will create the ideal conditions for capture and, ultimately,
Stockholm syndrome.
Fully indoctrinated members of the crazy cat lady world call
this practice “rescuing”. In some cases, this can be true – injured cats,
skinny cats, defenseless kittens, etc. However in most cases this is merely an
excuse to continue hoarding animals and creating even worse living conditions
for them than what they would have experienced in the wild. Fun fact. So what
you want to aim for is being on the right side of crazy, as in either actually
rescuing cats or just going to the goddamn SPCA like a normal fucking person. A
good piece of advice for cat acquisition as well as life in general is to never
go full retard.
Okay, so by now, you should have some cats. What, just one,
you say? Get out of here and go read an article on what’s happening in women’s
tennis while also renewing your subscription to Rock Garden Monthly because you
must be super lame. If you managed to acquire three or more cats,
congratulations, and keep reading.
I’m not gonna lie, step four is going to be tough for some
of you. I’m not sure some of you will make it. Your cats will. Pound for pound,
cats have more killing power than any other mammal on land so, you know, no
matter what you do, they will be around to eat your dead corpse if necessary.
What you need to do is to let your cats slowly assume control over your entire
living space and become a shadow of your former self, as the reason for your
existence now is solely to serve as an instrument of your cats’ demands. I
know. This is tough, and it takes time.
I would suggest starting out by letting your cats just do
anything they want, all the time. Which is pretty much what cats do anyway
because in over 150,000 years of human history, no one has found a way to train
a cat. You know why? Because it’s impossible. So this part shouldn’t be too
difficult. It’s what comes next that separates the crazy cat ladies from the
crazy cat girls (and/or pussy ladyboys).
Remember when you gave up hope? Remember the feeling of
insignificance and despair that washed over you? Welcome back that feeling,
because you will need it. You will know once you’ve reached the level of
letting your cats run your life, which is our goal here in step four. You’ll
know because when a friend calls to invite you out to a movie, your first
thought it how crazy it is that our society doesn’t allow cats in movie
theatres, too. And how, even if they did, the seats would be too high. How
could the cats possibly see the screen?! You then start to wonder if the
architectural minds of our day just really have it out for cats.
The second time you’ll know is when you win a free,
all-inclusive vacation to Mexico. Instead of being elated and dreaming of big
margaritas and even bigger bikini butts, your first thought is that, oh no you
can’t go. Instead of finding a friend to check in on and feed your cats, you
cancel the free trip to paradise. Because you just aren’t sure that your
neighbour Brenda really knows how to fold Snuffy’s blanket properly, or that
she cares enough to sing each of your seventeen cats to sleep with their own
lullaby, because by the time you finish the last one, the first cat has woken
up again and you’re just not sure of her dedication, quite frankly.
The third time you’ll know is when you wake up in that
drowsy sort of way, eyes unfocused, and you see what looks to be a
Simpsons-esque pink icing sprinkled doughnut dangling mere inches from your
face. For a second, you are overjoyed. You reach towards it. Your eyes become
focused. Oh. Oh. That’s not a mini doughnut, that’s just your cat’s anus that she
decided to flaunt in front of your face while you were sleeping. Just for
kicks.
You’re almost there. You’re almost at that ultimate level of
true cat lady crazydom. The very last step may sound like a cakewalk to you,
but trust me, it’s not. Step five involves all of the skills we have already
learned plus one crucial new one: personal hygiene.
Now in the second step, we covered wardrobe. No matter what
you do, you’re gonna be fucked. By some mystical magical power, your black
cat’s black fur is still going to show up on your black fucking pants. No one
knows how they do it, they just do. But you need to go beyond just wardrobe
here. Have you ever struggled with frizzy, unmanageable hair? Stop struggling.
Give in. Embrace the frizz. Let it run free just like the mane of a wild lion,
the lion you are inside. Or whatever.
I guess the best advice I can give appearance-wise, would be
to look at yourself in the mirror each morning and ask yourself, “Would this
look serve me well both on a safari but also as a homeless vagrant?” If the
answer is yes, then you are a true master. You know how to walk the fine line
between wearing items on your body and yet still looking like shit.
That’s it. The five steps you need to become a crazy cat
lady. I hope you’ve learned a lot today, you’re going to need it. If all of
this was too much for you, well you just might not be cut out for kitty crazytown.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. But just remember when the End Times come
and cats and cockroaches make up the majority of all surviving beings on our
planet, you won’t be spared.
Thanks for reading and remember to hug the crazy cat lady in
your life today! (Hint: Mother’s Day is coming up.)
“Well, Steve, what about your beer belly and manboobs?” good
question, and I’m glad you asked it. The answer is I’m an indifferent, yet
confident man. I know all I have to do is remain confident and sexy when I take a
girl out for dinner and eat so much that I have to lie on the restaurant floor.
But seriously, double standards exist heavily in our
society, It is pretty unfair how when a girl has a simple ponytail out in public
she “didn’t do her hair today” but if I guy has one, he’s considered this
big-time mega stud.
